The best things in my life

So I suppose I should give an update to my life, other than the bull-shit drama.

Aaron left Monday (while this is not a good thing, he is one of the best parts of my life...just to clarify). It was the hardest goodbye that we have ever had. Even more so than when I had only been Mrs. Billings for a month and he was going away for the first time, and we had no idea what to expect from a deployment, or when I had found out less than 24 hours previously that we were going to have a baby. I think the reason for this is because while he was home we bonded. We became parents, who's number one concern is now their child. And no one else in the whole world feels about Hannah the way we do. It's like some sort of connection that we can only have with each other. And I love him differently too. Like as in he's the father of my child soft-of way. He gave me this gift, my perfect little Hannah, that no one else could have ever given me. Don't get me wrong, I am still in love with his as my husband, but seeing him in this different role made me fall in love with him all over again. Seeing the look on his face when he holds his baby girl, and knowing that he also has her best interest in mind -- just like me. And after everything that we went through, with the pre-term labor and him coming home on emergency leave and him seeing his daughter be born. Plus the whole NICU thing. I just don't know how I would've handled all that without him here. When the doctor told me that I was in fact in labor I started crying; I was scared. I didn't know what to expect or how healthy my baby would be. And while the doctor was talking to me, prepping me for what was about to happen, Aaron reached over and grabbed my hand, as if to say, "It's okay, no matter what happens, I am here; and I will always be here." And that small act reassured me and I was ready to move on with the delivery. And when we were saying our goodbyes I also felt sad because I felt sorry for him. He is having to leave the two people who he loves most in this world to go back to a place that he hates. And miss the first five moths of his child's life. No pictures or videos can replace him not being here. No matter how hard I try to capture every moment in her life, it's still not the same. He can't hug her or kiss her. He can't feed her her bottle. He can't put her to bed at night. It just breaks my heart to think of what he's going through. Honestly, I don't know if I would ever be able to do that. He is a much stronger person than me. So, yes I miss him, I miss his presence and lying next to him at night...all the little things. But, his love is worth the wait.

The other best thing in my life is, of course, little miss Hannah. Not much has changed with her situation, other than she was moved to another room in the NICU. This was done for staffing purposes, and making sure that the nurses don't get too loaded down with more babies than they can handle. Her room now has a view! I do have to say that so far, I don't like this pod as well as I did the other one. The nurses just don't seem as friendly. I already had to complain because one of them gave me attitude (after the terrible day I had Monday with Aaron leaving and the stupid bitch trying to sabatoge my life I just was NOT in the mood). We are working on breast-feeding, and that seems to be coming along okay. She latches on and sucks, but it is still a lot of work for her, so we just have to keep practicing every day. All I know is that I cannot wait to bring her home. It will be great to be here with her and do our own thing without the nurses breathing down my neck. She weighs over four pounds now, and she is starting to fill-out and not look so skinny. No word yet on when she might come home, but I don't think it will be more than a couple of weeks. I will be sure to keep you posted.